𝘉𝘺 𝘋𝘦𝘢𝘯 𝘚𝘦𝘣𝘢𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘢𝘯
During Light Group (LG) sharings, I usually speak with my thoughts still unorganized, leaving it to my groupmates to make sense of what I’m saying. One LG night, while trying to describe what I was feeling in my heart, I said:
“Grief and joy.” Both at the same time, existing side by side.
Nagulat din ako sa sinabi ko. Possible pala yun?
Inside, I grieve. My two boys are special kids—Lucio has autism and Sabino has Down Syndrome. I said: “parang namatayan ako ng pangarap para sa kanila.” All the things I imagined for them—their future, how I and the world would experience them died- and I buried them in my heart. Sometimes, I silently tear up whenever this realization comes.
But inside, there is also joy. I can’t fully explain it, pero sa dami ng pagsubok na dumaan sa amin, never ko naramdaman na pinabayaan kami ng Panginoon. Paulit-ulit kong sinasabi na mahal na mahal ko ang mga anak ko, pero alam ko na mas higit ang pagmamahal ng Diyos sa kanila.
Sharing this with my LG helped me openly identify this odd mix of emotions inside. Na-realize ko na pwedeng may joy and peace kahit sa kalagitnaan ng unos, basta sigurado ka kung sino ang Diyos na kinakapitan mo. I was reminded of the lines in Psalm 46:10, which Don Moen turned into a song:
“Be still and know that I am God.”
Sometimes, ganito si Lord. In our unorganized thoughts, He lets us see what’s inside, then He draws out His truth. In my confused sharing, I found clarity about what I was truly feeling—and the conviction of what to do with it.
I will forever grieve the loss of the dreams I have for my sons. But I will also choose joy, and every day, I will celebrate and thank God for my Lucio and Sabino- remembering that He is my God.